Giving Up
by Wink-Master2000
Summary: lately, the cook of the strawhats hasn't been himself.
1. Chapter 1

okay so bear with me, this is my first thing to write ever, and english isnt my main language, i might continue it if someone actually wants me to, but im not really counting on it, so..

….

"oooiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~! ssaaaaaaanjiiiiiiiii! ffooooooooodddddddd!"

luffy's voice could be heard across the deck of the thousand sunny, in the middle of the quieter-than-normal morning the cook of the crew had been enjoying so far. not that he minded the crew finally waking up, he just also liked the calm few hours he had alone in the morning since he was an early riser, and awake before the rest of the strawhats usually woke up. "wait a bit longer luffy, its finished soon!"he yelled back. so much for a quiet morning. oh well. he silently finished breakfast and served it. he didn't know why, he just didn't feel…normal. it'll go away, he thought to himself. he wasn't really hungry though, so he just left the galley while the crew were still eating, going for a smoke.

_its probably best i just stay out here till' they're finished, so i don't bother them… _

he lit up, sucking in the first breath of smoke, enjoying the feeling of smoke filling his lungs.

_wait, i don't bother them do i?…i do…don't i?…what if they're just pretending…what if-no, stop, they're your nakama they would never do that… _

he didn't understand why he suddenly was so paranoid, and why he suddenly saw himself as a burden on his friends shoulders. he wasn't a burden right? they were his nakama right? surely there wasn't any problems. but sanji still couldn't let go of the feeling he was in the way. that no one really wanted him there. that he was living in a fantasy where they loved him as much as he loved them. that none of it was real. that he was just seeing what he wished. he waited for the feeling to go away, but the longer he waited the more situations he found himself thinking of himself as someone who wasn't worthy of being one of the strawhats, someone who no one needed, or wanted there. he felt so empty in the end, and he didn't know what to do.

he never really felt like eating anymore. he just made and served the food and hurried away so the crew could eat. then he would return and do the dishes, and clean everything up after the crew had left again. he started spending most of his time in the kitchen, _his _kitchen, or sleeping in the guys shared room. he felt empty. weeks went by this way, no one really saw or talked with him anymore. they had noticed, but had figured he was just working through some stuff, and just needed time. then he didn't even get out of bed. he just layed there, facing the wall, not doing anything. the rest of the crew started getting really worried about him, but no one tried talking to him, except chopper who had once tried asking him if anything was wrong, but had ran out of the room crying in worry for his friend when the cook hadn't answered.

"enough! we can't leave sanji like that. WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING." luffy half yelled, slamming his fist into the table of the dining room. "what if he's sick" chopper sobbed/cried "i want to help him but he needs to say something to me so i'll know whats wrong. i don't think it's a physical sickness…" chopper managed to say before setting into another fit of sobs/cries. usopp went over to him and hugged him, telling him it was gonna be allright, making choppers sobs and sniffles slow down, and stop after a couple of minutes. "i must say it certainly seems our cook hasn't been himself lately" brook added thoughtfully from the bench behind the dinner table, where he was sipping on a cup of tea. "but what if we just make it worse by doing something?"nami asked, worry clear in her voice. silence fell. no one seemed to have an answer. a couple of tense minutes went by, before a voicespoke. "perhaps he is depressed?" robin said silently, not wishing for it to be true. "no, really guys, im fine, no need to worry about me my sweet robin-chwan, nami-swan~" the cook swooned from the door, making everyone turn their heads in his direction, shock clearly written on their faces. "sanji…" everyone gasped, not sure what to think. of course they were happy he was talking again, happy he wasn't just laying in his bed anymore, but the sadness of seeing which state their cook and dear friend was in, rivaled that happiness. his cheeks were hollow, his shirt that once had fit him perfectly, sat awkward and way too loose on the cooks frame, his long slender thin legs had become too thin for everyone's liking and his cheek bones stuck out way too far from healthy looking. his whole body just looked smaller, thinner and sicker. his hair had lost its shine,looked used, and sat awkward. it clearly hadn't been cared for or brushed for at least a week.

"i just wanted to let you guys know im gonna go take a shower" the cook said, turning around, and heading for the bath, leaving everyone paralyzed from shock. the first one to say something was their navigator, demanding zoro to go talk to sanji, saying she had a bad feeling about this and that it under no circumstances could wait, and that it wasn't her problem if zoro felt awkward dropping in on the cooks shower. "but why me?!" zoro growled angrily, clearly not pleased about any of this. "you're the same age as sanji, and if he really is depressed he might need to know you care about him too. besides it isn't like you've never seen each other naked before." zoro could only growl at this, as he stomphed towards the bath, smacking the door open starteling the cook who was sitting under the showerhead completely naked, legs bent like zoros was when he meditated, shockingly looking up at him. zoro froze in a mixture of shock and horror as he saw the cook. he had become so skinny. he was almost just a skeleton by now. but what made him stand completely still in the door was the sight of the razor blade that was halfway burried in the cooks forearm, crimson red blood surrounding it, dripping down the cooks arm joining the water from the showerhead, running down the drain.


	2. Chapter 2

sanji knew. he knew very well that something wasn't right. he knew a normal happy human being didn't spend several weeks laying in bed, not eating and not talking to anybody. but it was like he'd just given up on trying to do anything at all. it just didn't seem to matter anymore. but he also knew he would just worry the crew. or he hoped he would, in the way that he hoped they truly cared for him. and if that by someone in a million chance was the case, he couldn't become an actual burden to them by worrying them half dead. he could just hide it all right? keep it in his head? he could just set up a facade of being okay, and making the crew not worry, and then just…have it all inside himself right? he didn't need to talk about it, or anyone to know how empty he felt inside right? with that in mind, he got up from his bed, trying to walk the few steps to a mirror but failing as he hadn't walked in about a week. he decided it wasn't that important how he looked and headed for the door on the opposite side. thanks to his normally inhuman strong legs, he managed to walk the rest of the way to the dining room/kitchen without falling a second time. he had wanted to make the crew a late breakfast, just something simple, since they had been eating nami's cooking for one and a half week now, and they probably needed some food based on what their bodys needed, insted of just some sandwiches or whatever nami knew how to make. but since his legs were actually getting really tired of walking, and the crew had looked really shocked and tense at him the whole time he was there, he had decided he would rather go take a bath. announcing his plan to the still-shocked crew he headed for the bathroom, walking as quickly as his tired legs would allow, just to get away from the tension that had been in the air.

entering the bathroom and closing the door, he sighed. it had been difficult just pretending he was fine in those 5 minutes, what would happen when he had to pretend for a whole day? he started unbottoning his shirt, hating himself more and more for every inch of skin that showed, hating himself for how skinny he had become, hating himself for having this stupid empty feeling inside of him in the first place. it was all so stupid and it was abselutely ruining him. growling out in anger, he threw his shirt to the floor, and started undoing his belt. but then he stopped as he remembered something. looking absendtmindly at his hands, he realized that if he was a burden, he should just…dissapear. he knew the others wouldnt let him do this, but then again..it was for their good right? and if they did in fact hate him, then it would just be a lucky thing for them too, right? he was after all the one that had almost gotten zoro killed. if he hadn't been too weak to not pass out from the hit zoro gave him at thriller bark, he could have taken his place. they were better off loosing the cook than the swordsman. because that was all he was. a cook. the only thing he was there for was feeding the others. it didn't matter if he was gone, they could find a better cook in no time. he slowly undid his belt completely, and took of his pants as well. completely naked, he turned on the shower, waiting for the water to get warm enough for him to tolerate it. but only just tolerate, he didn't even deserve the temprature he liked the most. he sat down under the spray of the showerhead and slowly took out a razor blade, that had been among his shaving cream and razor, and a couple other razor blades. he with the slowest of movements,placed it a couple centimetres further down his forearm than his wrist. letting out a breath, he didn't know he'd been holding, he put a bit of pressure on one end of the blade, adding more pressure until finally he felt it sink through his skin, and down into his arm. the feeling was both incredibly satisfying but also terrifying in a weird way. he continued to add pressure on one end, making it cut deeper and deeper. he was almost sure he'd hit his main artery in his arm by now. ignoring the unsheded tears that clouded his vision, he cut a little deeper just to make sure. he sat staring at how his blood coloured the water red and ran down the drain in silence, now he could just wait. he should probaly take the blade out of his arm now, that way it'd go faster. the sound of the door flying open and a angry huff from a well known voice, followed by a shocked half-breath/gasp had sanji turning his head in shock. zoro was standing in the doorway, looking wide eyed at sanjis arm which still had the razor blade halfway burried in it.

shit.

he hurridly ripped the blade out of his arm, jumped to his feet, and pulled zoro fully inside the room, closing and locking the door after him. zoro was still just staring wide eyed at him, apparently unable to wrap his head around the current situation. after a few seconds, the cook realized he was still fully naked, and hurridly pulled on his ocean blue boxers. he then just sat down, waiting for the marimo to start.

"i…sanji..you..let me see"

"no." he said in a weak tone, looking guildt struck down at the floor as he held his hand protectively over his wound. "then let me go get chopper, you need treatment for that wound…."

"no." he said again in the same voice. "sanji you-"

"i said no, zoro." he said a bit more confidence in his voice, but still not the usual amount the blonde always spoke with. zoro just watched silently as blood started seeping throung the cooks fingers and trickle down his arm. "why did you.." the green haired man started but suddenly stopped as realization seemed to hit him. "oh.." sanji tilted his head downwards a tad more, making his bangs fall and almost completely cover his face, as he couldn't stop the tears anymore. they silently fell, and zoro just stared. even though it was difficult to see the cooks face, you could tell he was crying when the droplets ran down his nose and dripped onto his lap. having zoro know just made it all so much more real. now it didn't seem to be just his imagination, now it was outside of his head too. he could remember this had all started with him thinking he was a burden, but now it was everything. how weak he could be, how selfish he could be, and how much of a burden he was. he had started hating everything about himself, the way he moved, his voice, his eyecolour, his stupid eyebrow. it seemed like everything he did, he hated himself for. this wasn't just about him being a burden anymore: what a complete mess he had become in only a week.


	3. Chapter 3

he couldn't believe it. the cook had hurt himself and even went as far as to refuse treatment. and now he was asking zoro to not tell the crew.

"what? no way."

"zoro, i mean it. don't tell anyone, okay?"

"i said no."

the green haired male had moved to hug the cook, sitting on the floor with him in an awkward embrace, a bit uncomfortable but also nice in a weird way, hence none of them breaking the hug. it was pretty long since zoro had walked in on the cook, about 30 minutes already. the green haired man had felt an overwhelming urge to comfort the cook, as he had been crying silently, looking all alone. thats when he had awkwardly sat down on the floor beside the cook and pulled him close. sanji had tensed up for what felt like forever before he apparently deemed it safe to break down in front of zoro. then he had let everything out through tears,halfsobs and whimpers, almost completely muffled by zoros shirt and chest. he had cried and whispered the word 'sorry' repeatedly, probably not even aware of it himself. zoro had taken it as his job to rub soothing circles into the cooks back until he had finally calmed down. they continued to sit in the half hug, none of them saying anything. until the cook had asked him to not tell anyone, in a quiet, slightly broken voice.

"what if i promise you that im okay now, i won't do it again…" again speaking in a quiet voice, the cook looked questioning up at the swordsman. "no way." was the simple answer he recieved, making him look down in defeat.

"you really dont want them to know?"

"i really don't…" the cook answered almost mechanic, not seeing the point of the question.

"then, if you promise that everytime you feel like this, i don't care if you just feel sad about not getting to eat your favorite donut or something-"

"i wouldn't-" the cook said, slightly offended, a small frown on his face. like he would react so strongly to something so childish. plus, he was a cook, he could just make it himself. retarded moss.

"not the point. point is that whenever you feel sad, about anything, you come to me. if you can't promise me you'll do that, EVERYTIME, then i have to tell the others, so this is your only option."

…..

"fine. i promise."

after that they had just sat there, still zoro was embracing sanji. blood from sanjis arm, seeping through fingers clutched tightly over it, through to the green haired man's shirt, staining it crimson red.

it had been three days. and sanji still had not come to him. zoro was starting to think he was being tricked. that the cook still felt awful and suicidal, but pretended to be fine. even to zoro. which was complete bullshit. he didnt know why, but he felt as if it was his job, or duty or whatever you wanna call it, to make sure the blonde was fine. he still didnt eat, and he still spent most of his time in bed, but every now and then, he would look as if something had managed to rip him out of his almost trance like state, zoro had noted on his new daily walks to check on the blonde. he was on his way to the dining room/kitchen seeing as it was time for breakfast, when a way too skinny cook stepped out in front of him. he had a heartbreaking look on his face and didn't say a thing. he just stood between the marimo and the galley, not breaking eye contact.

zoro knew he needed to talk RIGHT NOW and said two words:he didnt need more than those two words for the cook to understand him perfectly.

"crows nest."


	4. Chapter 4

laying in his bed, staring absentmindly at the wall, he thought back to thriller bark. it bothered him stupidly much. if just he hadn't blacked out from that punch, he could have taken his place.

_they're better of losing me instead of him.. _

though the blonde would never admit it, he had a weird sort of respect for the swordsman. even though he was a stupid moss head most of the time. he was still surprised and unsure about the deal he had made with zoro. was he really suposed to trust the guy with everything when the moss had never made an effort to have a conversation without a fight? when the guy drove him crazy with annoyance? …did zoro really care about him?

wouldn't he just become a burden on the marimos shoulders if he came to him everytime? everytime was…most of the time. everything he did, he hated. in his mind, he was just in the way. even for himself. he should just..dissapear. he could probably make it in time, without zoro finding out. but wasn't it worth giving the deal a chance if zoro really cared?

_just this once _

it was going to be time for breakfast pretty soon. the blonde still didn't cook, so nami was stuck on the duty of feeding the black hole of a captain. the crew hadn't really tried making contact with him after he had silently gone back to bed after the shower. zoro had apparently started taking daily tours around the ship to check on him. but other than that, no one had talked to him, or maked sure he was okay like zoro did. not that they didn't care, they were just scared to make it worse. he couldn't blame them, though, he hadn't made an effort to contact them either. he weren't even really there. his body was, but his mind was always somewhere else. he felt as if he was drowning, except he could see everyone else breathe meanwhile.

he wanted to give this deal with the marimo a shot, but he…it just hurt so bad inside of him, he needed to get it out. he could..just..cut a bit? just a little, not as deep as before. he could cut and still manage to catch the marimo before breakfast and talk to him. it would feel good to get the pain out…

as the blonde got out of his bed he noted his legs didn't hurt the same way they had done three days earlier on his way to the shower. he didn't run into anyone in the hall, on his way to the bathroom. for that he was thankful. he looked like shit. he had become so skinny, so thin, it looked awful. plus he hadn't brushed his hair in forever and it had lost its shine. when finally in the bathroom, he made sure to lock the door so no one would walk in on him like the moss had done. he didn't have the time to take a shower since there wasn't much time till breakfast, and he had to catch the marimo before that. so he just sat down onto the toilet, rolled up his sleeve, and pressed the razor blade to his wrist. should he really do this?…everything he hated about himself suddenly occupied his mind, his adrenaline shot up and he lost it. he brought the blade through the muscle in his arm repeatedly, shifting the blade a couple milimetres away from the other cut everytime so it wouldnt become too deep. he couldn't think of anything besides how much he hated himself, how many things that was wrong with him. after what seemed like forever, it felt as if a heavy burden had gotten off his back, his hatred to himself become a little smaller. it felt amazing. no shit people could get addicted to this, it felt so good. looking down at his arm, he frowned. he really had lost it. his whole lower arm, on the underside, following a line from the point where his arm bent, to the wrist, was completely covered in cuts and blood. he should have taken a bandage with him or something, this was gonna ruin his shirt. the light blue one, one of his favorites. silently he washed away the blood and took on his shirt, purposely looking away from where the blood seeped through the shirt. luckily he had taken his black jacket with him, the others wouldn't be able to see if it bleed through that too. unlocking the door while drying his eyes with his other hand, he made it out into the hallway. he sighed and went to find the mosshead.


	5. Chapter 5

after an awkward climb up to the crows nest, sanji sat down onto the floor in front of the sofa that was up there, and zoro sat down on the sofa. it was a bit awkward sitting on the floor seeing as how intimate this position could be if he just moved a little closer, but apparently the moss head hadn't noticed. sanji blushed a bit at his perverted mind, but fought it down quickly, remembering why he was there. after a couple minutes he realized none of them had said anything, and the marimo was just staring at him. " say something." he said quietly, not really wanting to do this, but at the same time wanting to get it done as quickly as possible. "tell me everything thats making you depressed. that's why you're here, right?" the moss said, shifting so he had his legs bent beneath him, sitting almost like he was meditating, looking directly at the blonde. "i guess…myself?..i mean i..everything i do is…stupid..i'm a burden to everyone. i hate myself because..i'm weak and..in the way for everyone. even..my dream..all blue.." the cooks eyes started to get blurred from tears threating to spill. "..is stupid.." he almost whispered. "i know..that there's no way..a ocean like that..would ever exist.." he half sobbed out, half spoke. zoros eyes widened a little at that. even his dream..had the cook really given up on all blue?! no way, a dream is supposed to be what makes you keep going. you should never, EVER, give up on that. of course all blue was a tricky one, seeing as it sounded impossible. there weren't really a great chance it was real. but that didn't mean the cook should give up! weren't he the man who would find the impossible ocean, all blue?! before the swordsman could yell at him for giving up, he continued. "i'm sorry but i…uhm,.." he took off his black jacket, and reached out his left arm, shoving zoro where the blood from his cuts had coloured the fabric dark red. he looked away, not wanting to see the marimos expression when he without a doubt would get mad at him. "i'm sorry. it isn't as deep as before." he repeated.

when zoro simply leaned forward, took his arm in hand, rolled up his sleeve and dried some of the blood away with his hand from the cuts, then simply looked at the cooks arm, sanji turned his head to look at him in slight surprise. he wasn't mad at him? zoro then proceeded to roll the sleeve back down carefully to not hurt the cook further, and sat back on the sofa. the green haired man nodded slightly, and continued his silence, looking at the cook. "what?" the blonde asked, not quite over the strange behavior from the other man. "you're not..mad?"

"you did it because you felt like you had to right? just.." the marimos voice became quiter and he almost murmered " don't do it again..come to me before you hurt yourself, okay?" the blonde man could only nod at that. zoro did actually care? that was…wow. he didn't know what to say. did he REALLY care? although the cook had never said so, he had always thought of zoro as nakama. even though he was an annoying moss ball, he did have good heart and good qualities. he was strong and noble, and clever. not that sanji would admit that. ever.

"you..care about me..?" he said, not even aware of it himself. staring absentmindly at a window to his right.

"what?" zoro said, apparently being ripped out of his own thoughts. "oh.." the marimo continued, realizing the question. shit had he said that out loud?! this was just going to be awkward, zoro was gonna say no, and he would have embarassed himself in front of him. he looked away in embarresment. shit. why the fuck had he said that?!

"of course i do, shit-cook. we're nakama." zoro said, looking away slightly, a faint blush on his cheek. "continue telling me whats making you depressed" he hurridly added, not liking the feely touchy mood that had all of sudden occupied the room. there was no way he was going to get like that with the cook. he loved their fights, and it was likely to ruin it if he ever got closer than he was to the blonde. not that it..would be that bad..the cook was pretty handsome after all…but still, he couldn't and he shouldn't.

"oh, uhm…at.. thriller bark..it bothers me i was so weak..that i got you so hurt..when i should have taken your place..what if you had died, zoro? how did you plan on fullfilling your dream if you're dead?"

"oi, cook. listen" the green haired man leaned forward, making his face only inches from sanjis own. "everything you do isn't stupid. you could never be a burden to anyone of us. you aren't weak, in fact you are really strong. you have never and will never be in the way for anything or anyone. All Blue is real. i care about you, and if you had taken my place, how were you gonna fullfill YOUR dream?"

at this, sanji couldn't stop himself. having zoro tell him this, telling him he cared, he wanted more. he didn't care about the fact that it was zoro. he didn't care that zoro would reject him immediatly. none of it mattered, because right at that moment, zoro made him see a light, in his own dark world. he made him think for a second, maybe he could find the All Blue, maybe he wasn't weak at all. he pressed his lips against zoros in a moment of desparation for more, wanting a bigger light, more hope. wanting to be himself again.


End file.
